Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

The Church on Our Sexuality III

Our Response

In the last column the idea of our sexuality as a gift was developed - a gift from God and a gift to our beloved in marriage; this drawn from the teachings of the Church. This idea may be foreign to some who see sex and sexuality as "dirty" or "bad." Others may be asking "but how far can I go?" And yet others ask "If sex is a gift, why does the Church seem to say "NO" to sex?"

If you find yourself asking these questions or thinking that sex and sexuality is somehow dirty, you are missing the point.

Perhaps this analogy will make it clearer. The football coach who slowly shapes the development of his promising young quarterback is the wise coach indeed. He knows that exposure to a lot of media hype together with being placed in a starting role too early on could, in the end, lead to problems down the road -- particularly in terms of psychological readiness to play in big games. Similarly the ballet instructor who waits until her young student's bones and muscles are sufficiently developed before she allows the student to dance pointe is also very wise. The young quarterback and aspiring ballerina may protest that they are ready, but one doesn't have to look too far to find persons who have been hurt - physically, psychologically and spiritually by being pushed too quickly by their coaches and by being allowed to push themselves too. These youngsters carry the scars of these mistakes well into adulthood. It is the wise football coach or ballet instructor who says "go slow."

So too with the Church: Your gift of sexuality, the ultimate gift of your self, is a very precious gift: Go slow and save that gift for your beloved in marriage. And if you are married, preserve that gift for your beloved. This last point may seem obvious, but adultery is not rare and actually points to the challenge of living the Christian life. We trip, stumble, and fall; but through the sacrament of reconciliation we are able to right ourselves and move forward. When we strive to adhere to the ideal of the Christian life, that gift of our sexuality is something to be offered to our beloved and not used for our momentary pleasure.

One might say "But I love him/her" or "we are engaged to marry." Catholic educator Christopher West responds, yes, but your sexual expression is ideally an outward sign of the inner reality of your relationship - which at this point is approaching, but not yet at the sacramental covenant of marriage. West suggests to engaged couples that if they have already had sex, they can stop now, receive the sacrament of reconciliation and move forward waiting for marriage when "your physical union is an honest expression of the spiritual bond of marriage" (p. 71, Good News About Sex and Marriage). This so goes against the grain of our prevailing culture. Witness the resistance to abstinence education.

How is a young person, especially, to live to this ideal? First, every adolescent and young adult needs to develop their whole identity - their whole self - and not be so focused on being in a romantic/sexual relationship. To our teens and young adults: If you feel you're nobody without that "special" person, you're bound to hurt yourself and your current partner, as you are more likely use the gift of sexuality as a means of "holding onto" that "special" who makes you feel like a someone. Develop all aspects of your self; be involved with family, friends, and community and surround yourself with likeminded persons. You will meet your life partner with a fully developed identity and the ultimate gift of sexuality to share with that special someone within the spiritual bond of marriage.