Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

Fatherhood II

"Daddy's Home!"

When a father has a good relationship with his children, he typically hears cries of "Daddy's home!" or some variation thereof. There's an excitement in the air - there's enthusiasm. That's no surprise; various studies have shown that there are differences between fathering and mothering. One of the big differences is the manner in which fathers and mothers play with their children. Psychiatrist Kyle Pruett (Fatherneed) reports that studies show that fathers tend to be much more rough and non-conventional when they play with their children. They are much more likely to be playful when giving their young toddler a bath or changing its diaper. Dr. Pruett’s own research finds that this style of play is not limited to fathers who work outside the home. Rather, fathers who stay home with their children while the mother goes off to the workplace everyday are as likely to play with their children in this way. Some psychologists suggest that this type of play tends to heighten the child's curiosity about the world around her and make her less fearful of exploring that world.

Fathers also tend to encourage their children to engage in novelty-seeking behavior and are tend to be more likely to teach their children to tolerate frustration.

Perhaps most interesting is the finding that mothers and fathers tend to differ in their approach to teaching their children self-control and helping them to develop their consciences. To borrow an example from Dr. Pruett's book, a mother is more likely to say "Do you ever think about how much work it is for me to clean up your mess?" In contrast, a father is more likely to say "Don't ask me for help if you aren't willing to do your share." The mother is more likely to appeal to the relational cost (the impact on mom and her feelings) of the misbehavior while the father tends to appeal to the societal cost of the misbehavior (not doing one's fair share).

No one way is right and the other wrong. Rather each approach complements the other; and this is what we can say about the differences between mothers and fathers, between mothering and fathering: each complements the other. Children need good mothers and good fathers.

The father's impact on a child's development can be significant. Studies have shown that good paternal care in childhood results in more empathic, compassionate, pro-social and moral adults. Psychologist Paul Vitz's study of the psychology of atheism (Faith of the Fatherless) revealed that with only one exception, the men of faith he had studied had "clearly positive father-son relationships - or good father-substitute-and-son relationships." In contrast, the lives of prominent atheists whose biographies he studied were characterized by "weak, absent or abusive fathers in every case."

It very well may be that to experience the compassion, the rough-housing, and the guidance of a loving dad, is to gain a glimpse of our loving Father.