Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

Parenting Through the Lens of Attachment III

Moving Beyond Parenting Techniques

Go to your local bookstore; you will find a plethora of how-to books on parenting. Parents want to know what to do when their children and teens misbehave, don’t do their homework, or don’t respect them. They are aghast at some of the music their teens listen to. Parents are at a loss about what to do. Gordon Neufeld, PhD and Gabor Mate, MD (Hold Onto Your Kids) argue that it is not so much the specific technique that needs to be done as the attachment bond the parents need to establish and maintain with their children and teens. The key to achieving and maintaining these attachment bonds between parents and their children/teens is found in the time spent by parents with their children/teens. Is there time set aside for and with the family for holiday and birthday celebrations, for family outings? Does the family sit down for a daily meal together? Does the family worship together? Do parents make time to spend time with each of their children on a one to one level where the primary purpose is to connect? This can be as simple as a walk after dinner.

Doctors Neufeld and Mate also emphasize the importance of the "attachment village" - an adult oriented society in which children and teens have emotional attachments with adults and look to these adults for guidance and direction. It is where the older generation is a transmitter of moral, religious, and cultural values. It includes one’s national, religious and ethnic heritages. This concept of an attachment village is not to be taken literally. If you are active in your parish or in your community, you are likely in some way a participating member of an attachment village.

A few months ago, my wife, children and I were invited to a post-concert party for the families of members of the Ukrainian folk dance troupe in which my daughter dances. The dancers range in age from thirteen to eighteen. What struck me was that virtually all of the teens, even the eighteen year olds, attended with at least one parent. Most of the parents situated themselves in the house and on the deck. The teens tended to be in the backyard, with the oldest ones mostly to the rear of the deep backyard. Nonetheless, there was an easy two-way flow between the generations. There was a comfort between the generations. Everyone seemed happy to be together and excited about the dance troupe’s concert that afternoon. As I enjoyed the evening with my family and the other families, I was also thinking, yes, this is an example of an attachment village: parents supporting one another, spending time with their children, with everyone valuing a cultural tradition.

More recently, my wife, son and I drove to Pennsylvania to pick up our daughter at the eparchial Camp Come Alive. We arrived in time for the closing Divine Liturgy. Father Scott Boghossian began the homily by referring to the fact that over the course of the week the campers had been learning about and discussing the dignity of the human person. At the conclusion of the Divine Liturgy, camp director Fr. Gary Mensinger spoke of his commitment to and support of the campers and their parents. Another example of an attachment village: parents and priests helping teens grow in their faith, their love of God, and their understanding of the dignity of the human person.

When parents are focused on establishing and maintaining close relationships with their children and teens, and when they have a strong "supporting cast," the attachment village, they are well on their way to forming their children into young adults who are capable of being and who strive to be good friends, spouses, parents, and citizens.