Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

For Singles and Those Who Love Them: Part I

Who Would You Marry?

This was a question posed by writer Christopher de Vinck when recounting a story from when he was in his twenties and single. It seems that he had fallen in love with a beautiful young woman, who, when he brought her home to meet his family said “No” when he asked her if she would like to go upstairs to meet his bedridden, multiply handicapped brother Oliver. The young Chris likened the response to a slap in the face. Not too long afterward he brought another lovely young woman, Roe, home to meet his family. When it was time for Chris to feed his brother, he asked Roe if she would like to join him as he fed Oliver. Roe said “Sure.” De Vinck continued:

I sat at Oliver’s bedside as Roe stood and watched over my shoulder. I gave him his first spoonful, his second. "Can I do that?" Roe asked. "Can I do that?" she asked with ease, with freedom, with compassion, so I gave her the bowl and she fed Oliver one spoonful at a time.

The power of the powerless. Which girl would you marry? Today Roe and I have three children. (The Power of the Powerless, p. 33)

In this recounting of his early adulthood, de Vinck gets to the essence of the answer to the question "who would you marry?" The answer lies not in comparative anatomy. Nor does it lie in comparative education, or comparative socioeconomic status. No. The answer lies in character and values which lie at the heart of our individual identities.

Imagine for a moment that the young Chris had asked the first girlfriend if she would like to see his new sports car. It wouldn’t be hard to envision her saying yes. Most folks would say yes. But when you put this side by side with the “No” she said to Chris when asked if she would like to meet Oliver, the obvious question is why is the car more interesting than her boyfriend’s brother? More to the point, the sports car, although new, is nothing more than a personal means of transportation (though the auto manufacturer has probably convinced most buyers that it is something more than that). Oliver was a person who was treasured by his entire family.

In this series on finding a life long partner to be your husband or wife, the question of what you offer to your potential spouse is at least as important as what to look for in that person. With this in mind, begin to think about what it is that you bring to others in the family in which you grew up/are growing up. What are your gifts of self to others in your family – your parents, siblings, grandparents, and so forth – and among your friends and neighbors? And since you will also be finding “warts” as well as "beauty marks" on your potential spouse, it is important to take a good look at yourself and try to find your own warts, the negative things you bring to your relationships with family members and friends.

In Part II we will look more closely at some of the more difficult "warts" that you need to be on the lookout for in yourself and in your potential spouse.