Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

For Singles and Those Who Love Them: Part II

What About Those Warts?

We usually ask what qualities a person should look for in a partner in a dating relationship -- a relationship that might lead to marriage. If you are single you likely have some sense of the type of man/woman you would like to marry. And we will focus on that in the third part of this series. For now, however, we will look at the sometimes dicey question of what to be on the lookout for. In other words what are some warning signs that could portend trouble in a relationship? What warts do we need to be on the lookout for amidst the beauty marks? And, we need to also look in the mirror to see if we have some of the same warts which might pose problems in a relationship.

If you are in a relationship with another person, do you find yourself making excuses for or excusing the other’s behavior a significant amount of the time? Do you find yourself hoping or praying that your partner will change? Or do you know that things will get better when you and he/she are married?

Does your partner have a poor relationship with his/her parents? Does he/she see you as the person to save you from that morass in which he/she grew up?

Does your partner seem to belittle or disrespect your values? Does he/she ridicule or put down your religious beliefs and practices?

Does your partner want you to devote an inordinate amount of time to him/her and drop your old friends -- same and opposite sex? Or, is your partner dropping his/her old friends to devote all of his/her time with you?

Do you believe your partner has an alcohol or drug problem? Has his/her drinking/drug use resulted in any untoward consequences?

Does your partner have a pattern of lying? Has your partner suffered any serious consequence as a result of that lying orcheating (e.g., Loss of a relationship, job, or expulsion from school)?

Does your partner threaten or coerce you to engage in sexual activities that are contrary to your values? Are your sexual values ridiculed?

Do you ever feel physically threatened, or have you ever actually been physically injured by your partner? Do you find yourself believing that promises that “it won’t happen again” and then it happens again? Are you on guard for when it might happen again, or do you go out of your way to placate your partner in the hope that it won’t happen again?

Is there a pattern of emotional abuse where your partner puts you down and belittles you? Have you been ridiculed in front of family and friends?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions for either yourself or your partner, then it might be time to re-think your participation in the relationship, and where there is physical and emotional abuse, leave more quickly than not. If you find yourself in a pattern of getting into relationships with persons with these qualities, then it would be helpful to seek out professional help to learn why you end up in relationships with persons who treat you as they do (or why you do these things in relationships).

These questions, while covering a lot of dimensions of a relationship, do not form an exhaustive list. But there is an underlying question with all of these questions: Does your partner treat you with respect and dignity? Does he/she strive to be a gift to you, to every aspect of your person? And is that respect and dignity afforded your partner? Do you strive to be a gift to your partner? Is each of you open to receiving the gift of the other? Do you try to build one another up?

As we begin to ask these questions we move toward the idea of a healthy relationship and what to look for in a partner. That will be the topic of Part III of this series.