Byzantine Catholic Family Matters

For Singles and Those Who Love Them: Part III

The Essential Elements of a Healthy Relationship

In last month’s Page we looked at things to be on the lookout for as warning signs in a potential marriage partner. If those warning signs are absent, a couple probably possesses the essential elements of a healthy relationship. We also found that when you can answer “yes” to a number of fundamental questions, you are likely in a healthy relationship – one capable of becoming a sacramental relationship.

Does your partner treat you with dignity and respect?

Does he/she strive to be a gift to you – to every aspect of your person?

In general, does your partner treat others, especially his/her family with dignity and respect?

Is that respect and dignity extended by you to your partner?

In general, do you treat others, especially your family with dignity and respect?

Do you strive to be a gift to your partner?

Is each of you open to receiving the gift of the other?

The idea of gift is particularly important. Gifts are freely given and freely received. Just as the sacraments are a gift of Christ to His people (the Church), so too is the gift of self to the other.

To be a gift to the other is to affirm the other, to build up the other. In our sinfulness, we fall short. But falling short should be the exception rather than the rule. A wise professor of marital therapy once told me that whenever he and his wife (of many years) experienced a difficult time in their marriage – what he called a “winter season,” they would remind themselves that, with hard work and faith they would grow as a couple and “springtime” would return to their marriage.

To work on a relationship requires commitment. Healthy relationships are not about being in love or feeling good – that’s part of it, but a significantly smaller part than commitment.

Each partner strives to be a gift to the other, striving to love one another more perfectly. As a young philosopher, Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II) referred to this as a great moral imperative: That a person loves the other and does not manipulate the other to suit one’s purposes.

(This last point is especially important in this age where the manipulation of others to suit one’s purposes is rather commonplace.)

An essential piece of any good relationship is the ability to communicate: to share one’s thoughts and feelings with the other in a way that is respectful and maintains the dignity of the other. And, when there are disagreements, maintain that high level of communication without putting down the other. (One can speak – yell, if you will – angrily and in disagreement without calling the other an “ignorant, no-good _____” – you fill in the blank) A strong commitment to the relationship requires a strong commitment to good communication.

Finally, there is the faith factor. What role does faith play in a healthy relationship, and what is the importance of a shared faith? That will be the subject of the final installment in this series.